The Jaywalker: Mother of An Addict
No mother wants to see her daughter become addicted to drugs. With time and patience, she was able to find help and healing for the whole family.
My Second Child
I always wanted a little girl. My mind was filled with dreams of a daughter, dressing her in little pink dresses with bows, getting our nails done together, and sharing a bond only a mother shares with her daughter. Those dreams were soon dashed away like so many before it. The day I brought my baby girl home was one of the happiest days of my life. As she grew life became hectic, my husband was let go from his job and his drinking became progressively worse. It was up to me to keep the bills paid and food on the table. I had to devote more time to my job and less time at home with my children. I missed them dearly. Every morning my heart would break as I watched her cry for me not leave for work. There was nothing I could do, I had to keep our heads above water, especially now having three children, as five years after she was born we had her second brother. As time went on the children grew the relationship with my husband grew increasingly worse. Our marriage was no longer salvageable, our arguments, his drinking, and the lies had injured our relationship beyond all repair. For the safety of myself and my children I needed to end it. We got a divorce and he moved out of the house.]
After the divorce I met a new partner who treated me better and loved my children as well. It was a struggle to pay the bills and run a household of three children alone, my partner and I discussed the situation the only solution was to have my new partner move in an become a part of the family officially. The divorce devastated my daughter, she became angry and confused. Every time my partner and I would try to speak with her, she would lash out. I did not understand what was going on with her or how to help her. I remembered going through a similar time myself as a child and I convinced myself it was a phase that she would soon grow out of. As she grew from a child into a teenager the behavior continued, she began having trouble in school, and the friends she had were not the best role models. The rebellious behavior increased and no matter what we did we saw no improvement. She was like hurricane out of control. My partner and I suspected she may be on drugs but found no proof searching through her bedroom, she insisted she was not.
One day we were out swimming in the community pool and I saw marks all over her legs, she claimed a cat had scratched her. On further investigation I had discovered that she had been cutting herself I was terrified. Every night before bed I would inspect her to make sure she was not continuing this behavior. My partner and I saw no other solution than to take her to see a therapist. She was unresponsive to therapy, she would not let anyone close enough to help her with what she was going through inside.
I blamed myself for not being home enough to find out what was going on with her and for not getting help sooner. The years went on with her fighting us at every turn to help her, we were left feeling frustrated and helpless.
Graduation
Before we knew it she was 18 years old, ready to graduate high school, and on her way to becoming part of adult world. Watching our daughter walk to the stage to get her diploma erupted a tsunami of feelings inside of me. I felt proud she was graduating but worried and scared of her going out into the world. In my heart I knew the world would swallow her whole, I would no longer be there to protect her. The day after graduation I witnessed her throwing her belongings in the back of the truck of the person she was dating at the time. She was moving out and I was unable to stop her.
I felt paralyzed, for the next five days I could do nothing but cry wondering if I would ever see her again.
The next time I heard from her she was pleading with me to come back home. We welcomed her back praying she was ready to change her behaviors. Soon after she moved back home we discovered she had been hiding drugs in the house. Immediately we called a drug rehab facility to help us with an intervention. During the intervention, my partner and I pleaded for her to get help and go into drug treatment. She screamed at us, packing her stuff then disappeared into the world again. Through the next four years she would call us from time to time pleading to come back home. We would welcome her back praying time and time again it would be the time she was willing to stop doing drugs. Again and again we were left devastated, disappointed, and helpless. During those years I hardly slept at all due to the stress of not knowing if she was safe or where she was. I dreaded the day a phone call would come from the morgue or the police station to tell me the words a mother never should have to hear in her lifetime.
One night the phone rang it was my daughter calling from the police station sounding confused, panicked, and completely broken. My spouse and I were living a couple hours from the location of the jail, so we drove out that next morning to attend court to see if she was going to be released. After court she was released from custody and we drove her to our home. She had gone through a dark and traumatizing set of events, she told us she was ready to stop using drugs but that she needed help.
Desperate to help our daughter, I pulled out money from my 401k to pay for her treatment after making a call to Ventura Recovery Center. I hoped that maybe they would be able to provide her with the help that we were never able to give. Once she was in VRC, I felt relieved to know she would be safe and in good hands as long as she stayed there. The thought of her not following through with treatment scared me, the only option we had was to have faith.
While she was in treatment we had the opportunity to take her out on passes every Sunday. Each time we could see the improvement in our daughter. This was the first time she was willing to let people help her. My partner and I attended much needed family therapy sessions. We had the opportunity to meet with her sponsor, we could see she had a positive influence on our daughter’s life.
Fast Forward 6 Years Later
Today I sleep better knowing that my little girl is safe, happy, and surrounded by people who care for her.
I was there to witness her marrying the love of her life who respects her, has her best interests at heart, and loves her for who she is. I’m very proud of my daughter for accomplishments and the improvement she has made these past six years between holding down a good job, moving into a decent apartment, and continuing to accomplish new goals a year at a time. She is now the sober and successful woman I knew she always could be. I’m forever grateful for everything Ventura recovery center did for our daughter.
Caring about an addict is as complex and debilitating as addiction itself”
-David Sheff
